The meaning of self-respect for a Christian in today's world. Lessons from David and the sons of Zeruiah. Part 6b
'And I am this day weak, though anointed king; and these men the sons of Zeruiah be too hard for me; the LORD shall reward the doer of evil according to his wickedness'
- Recap:
Last month we continued our study of the challenging relationship between King David of ancient Israel and his warrior nephews by delving into the time when David was being cursed and physically assaulted by Shimei - a man of the Benjamite tribe who carried a deep grudge against David for becoming king after his father-in-law, who was also a Benjamite.
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David was fleeing his home and capital city as his son, Absalom, was attempting to overthrow his father's throne and position as king.
Indignant at the insults and assaults from Shimei, David's nephew, Abishai, an experienced and skilled captain in David's army wanted to take his sword and cut off Shimei's head. How dare this man, this 'dead dog' speak to David, God's anointed king, like this!
But David had responded with humility, and submission. He had looked to God for his position as king to be maintained if it was God's will, and for God to give him any honour and exaltation.
Abishai wanted David to be given respect.
David wanted any respect to be God's prerogative for him to have.
Yet again, Abishai and David were at polar extremities of heart and thought and David demonstrated this and put distance between himself and his nephew when he said, 'What have I to do with you, ye sons of Zeruiah?'
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- Our challenges today
We too today have our 'sons of Zeruiah' who may genuinely have our best interests at heart but are coming from a place of worldly wisdom and not God's wisdom when considering self-respect.
1. What is the meaning of self-respect?
As we noticed last month self-respect has been defined as:
a 'feeling of respect for oneself showing that you value yourself' (Cambridge Dictionary);
a 'pride and confidence in oneself, feeling that one is behaving with honour and dignity' (Oxford Languages).
"the everyday discipline of loving who you are. It is the bedrock of developing self-acceptance and self-love. It's hard, if not impossible, to live a fulfilled, meaningful, and joyous life if you don't respect yourself first" (Judith Zachson quoted in verywellmind.com)
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As part of maintaining a healthy self-respect we are urged to 'identify our values', 'keep the focus on our internal qualities', 'work on accepting ourselves' and 'challenge negative thoughts' .
Without a healthy self-respect we may rely on validation from others to feel respected and become 'people-pleasers', live a life which lacks meaning, have a negative view of ourselves and engage in negative 'self-talk', and develop unhealthy relationships where we have difficulty standing up for ourselves and maintaining our boundaries (Zachson).
2. How might we notice this meaning in today's world?
You may have noticed the adherence of society to these meanings of self-respect when experiencing disrespect towards yourself and people tell you 'you shouldn't be spoken to like that! You should stand up for yourself. You shouldn't let that person get away with such behaviour. You should have some self-respect. You deserve more'.
It may be people around you who are 'on your side' but they seem to come from such a different perspective to you. They seem so well intentioned towards you but so misguided. You feel that though you are working or living alongside them with the same goals you are actually poles apart from them in thought. This can be isolating and challenging. It may make you doubt yourself and whether you are wrong and they are right. You may be confused. You may feel alone.
If you are unhappy you may be told you need to learn to love yourself more and accept who you are, or stand up for what you want.
Perhaps you - like me - have read self-help books or visited therapists in a bid to healing health conditions and have tried to put into practice some of their recommendations to 'love and accept' ourselves more.
A family member recently told me how she remembered a little pink index card which I was given by a therapist and had leaning against the mirror on my dressing table. On it was written something to the effect of learning to say no to other people and pleasing myself instead.
During that time she remembers how her 'normally caring sister' became quite changed - selfish - not the person she was used to.
I would argue that I needed 'to put my own oxygen mask on before I could help others put theirs on'. Or, 'how can I love my neighbour as myself if I am not loving myself?'
Have you experienced these challenges, dear reader, and have you had an unease with what you are being told in light of what God is telling you from the Bible?
Or do you like David, have a feeling of being at polar extremities in heart and thought from those around you?
3. What can we learn from David's words and these definitions for us today?
Firstly, the Bible tells us that believers are 'strangers and pilgrims' in the world (1 Peter 2:11, Hebrews 111:13).
This world is not our eternal home. We are on our journey to our heavenly home. But we do forget this. We want to settle down, we want to be comfortable in our thoughts and feelings, we want to feel at one with those we meet and live with.
As we are surrounded with the wisdom of today if we do not listen to the uneasy voice or stirrings of the Holy Spirit within us we may unconsciously start to accept it as the norm if we are not careful. (We may not even know that the world's way is not God's way if we have been exposed to it for so long).
Secondly, whilst we do need to have self-respect I suggest that as Christians this comes from a much truer and deeper place of following Jesus Christ than of looking within our sinful and deceptive hearts to give value to our lives or to feel honour and dignity in our lives. And that whilst it may be possible to live a 'joyous life' by following the wisdom of today this joy will not last - it will pass and end, and is incomparable to the joy of knowing you are loved now and forever by the God of heaven and earth.
Thirdly then and more specifically, as David submissively looked to God to restore his respected position, how can we too apply Biblical teaching to a few of the ways in which we are recommended to develop a healthy self-respect? (Using the headings of Zachson)
- Identify our values: Instead of trying to understand our own value and what is important to us, let us turn to and study the Scriptures to understand godly principles and ways of living.
May our value be humbly based on what us unworthy sinners are to God,'...precious in my sight' (Isaiah 43:4), 'jewels' (Malachi 3:17), as the 'apple of His eye' (Zechariah 2:8), His 'bride' (Revelation 21:2), His chosen, special people (1 Peter 2:9), His 'body' (1 Corinthians 12:27). Let us remember that God's people are of such undeserved importance to Him that Jesus gave His life for us.
- Keep the focus on our internal qualities: Instead of focusing on our internal qualities, character and values for self-respect, let us look to Jesus' character and qualities and aspire to imitate Him through His grace.
Let us ask Him to fill us with His Spirit that the fruits of His Spirit (love, joy, gentleness, goodness, longsuffering, peace, faith, meekness, temperance - self-control Galatians 5:22,23) may bring glory and honour to His name.
May we seek to praise and thank God for our 'qualities' which have been given to us by Him, and may we seek to use them heartily as unto Him and to His glory. May we be good stewards and grateful for those qualities we have been given.
To avoid the temptation to rely on external factors for self-respect let us minimise the time we spend on social media, deleting time wasting apps, giving ourselves a set time to catch up with family and friends, asking ourselves why we are picking up our phone - using it as a tool and asking what we are needing it for.
Let us strive to behave in God honouring ways regarding our habits, clothes, looks and hobbies rather than following and trying to live up to the latest fashions or craze to feel that we belong and are accepted.
- Work on accepting ourselves: Instead of learning to accept our faults and forgive ourselves let us continually acknowledge and confess them to God and ask for His forgiveness.
Let us ask Him to help us to believe that He has forgotten and wiped out our sins, let us praise Him that despite being sinners we are redeemed through Jesus' precious blood, and let us ask Him to subdue our sins as He has promised.
- Challenge negative thoughts: As we recognise negative thought triggers and patterns, let us challenge them with prayer to God to help us in 'casting down imaginations...bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ' (2 Corinthians 10:5).
Let us - as did Elizabeth George in 'Loving God with all your mind' - fight against depressive inner negative talk by instead focusing with God's grace on 'whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest...of good report...think on these things' (Philippians 4:8).
- Don't give into self-doubt: To 'loosen the grip of self-doubt' and treat others with the respect with which we too expect to receive may we remember that we are loved with an 'everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3)'.
May we spend time in prayer and listening for God's voice and direction that we might know the purposes and works He has for us to be doing; may we strive to treat others as we would be treated that at the end of our life we too, like the Apostle Paul might be able to say, 'I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith' (2 Timothy 4:7)
*****
As we draw these thoughts to a close they seem a long way from our original study of David, suffering the indignity of curses and stone throwing by a man with a huge grudge, and the angry response of his nephew who wanted to take off his head.
But as David refused to silence and permit murder that his position as king might be respected may we too follow his example and the greater example of our Lord Jesus, who 'made himself of no reputation (Philippians 2:7). Instead of seeking to maintain our self-respect, let us look away from ourselves to God.
As the Psalmist Asaph said, David was recognising that 'promotion (or exaltation) cometh neither from the the east, nor from the west, nor from the south. But God is the judge: he putteth down one, and setteth up (exalts) another' (Psalm 75:6,7).
David knew that God has ultimate authority over the events of this life, and whilst he was reaping what he deserved, God could repay him good for Shimei's curses.
May we too, instead of focusing on being given respect or on enhancing our own self-respect, submissively seek to follow Jesus, following Biblical teaching for how to live and cope with negative thoughts and feelings of self-doubt. May we rest in Him for all we need and all our acceptance. May He be our joy, both now and eternally.
***
I pray something from this post may be of help to you, dear friend, and whilst I would not discourage any from seeking therapy and help for problems you may have, let us always return to the scriptures and the guidance we have there for how we should live as Christians in today's world.
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